Been a long time

Haven’t written in a while. No surprises there.

Need to get things out of my head.  So that they don’t keep swirling around tarnishing anything else.

Part of what I feel today is stemming from a lack of sleep from last night. Got to bed later than normal, and couldn’t sleep well.

Besides that, what I’m feeling is how I feel rather often, and frustratingly so.

Despite all I have going for me: Healthier and more fit than I’ve ever been in my life, home ownership and good credit, a steady job that is 98% stress free, family lives close by, good friends… despite all that I have terrible self-esteem. I’m self-deprecating at the best of times and crippled by self-doubt at the worst.  I don’t give myself enough credit. I know I’m a smart person, I have good sense of humor, I’d like to think I have a good personality (from the perspective of another person), I make good decisions, I exercise, try to eat healthy and run my races, I work hard, keep my life drama-free and I take care of my own business in my life. So then, why do I feel this way?

Why can’t I stay motivated to update my resume and really push into a job search? (besides the fact that I’m one of those mid-thirty somethings that has no clue what they want to be when they grow up). I always feel inadequate. “That job description is way beyond what my skill set is…” or “I’ve never done things like that, why would they hire me?”

Constantly questioning and second-guessing myself.

Why is it that I can’t even be bothered to talk to women when I’m out, or even on the silly online sites?  I end up with questions in my head not to far removed from the job search questions. “Why would she like me, she’s far more successful.” “She seems really cool, but why would she like me?” or “I can’t really relate to any of these women, why bother?” (<– I guess that is a bit more rational of a question, but anyway…)

This is what goes on in my head. I can sit here and type it out and try to explain it… but it doesn’t make sense to me.  It is as if there is a ball-and-chain attached to the motivational sectors of my psyche.

My introverted personality might have something to do with it also, but there are plenty of successful introverts out there in the world.

All I want is to be content with my little slice of what I consider success.  What is success to me? Being happy, healthy and stable. What more can you really want?

I need some sort of change. I have probably said that before, in which case, the change has continued to elude me.

It’s easy to say that I should just bite my lip and get stuck in, doing whatever. Be it going for some new job or trying to pull a lady friend, but it isn’t that simple to me.  Some folks just have a natural gumption that I seem to lack.

Bah. Rant over.